Recipe for the Homesick: The Vegan Galician

This is 'patxaran' and that is something else entirely.

This is ‘patxaran‘ and that is something else entirely.

Ingredients:

1 part orujo de café

2 or 3 parts soy milk*

Several ice cubes

 

Preparation:

As you pour the ingredients into a glass chilled by nostalgia, meditate upon the fact that the ‘firewater’ known as orujo, Northern Iberia’s (namely Galicia‘s) version of moonshine, is distilled from the residues of grapes that have already been pressed for wine. Take a gentle whiff of the thrift and dying art of the homebrew hustle.

Forget the vodka, which is often confused with water. Your beverage will produce this naturally as the ice melts at the same rapid rate as our diplomatic relations with Russia.

Feel the homesickness condensate. Watch the drops form and fall, staining your faux Persian rug from Ikea.

Shrug. Imbibe. Abide.

*Note: Do not use the milk that introduces itself en español; instead, the kind that comes from the teat of the soybean.

Elx River, painting in progress, August 2014

Elx River, painting in progress, August 2014

Aside

Water Seeks Its Own (Lowest) Level

Account based on true events. But this is obviously not my address.

Witness/Defendant Testimony

Between September 1st and September 8th, three puddles of indeterminate source composition and authorship were discovered in the right-stairwell elevator of #7 Orchard Lane.

Initial puddle consisted of a transparent liquid, lacking an identifiable scent. Covered over 50% of the floor space. Rain that day could have been a cause.

The second instance of fluid without containment occurred a few days later, very small surface coverage accompanied a stench of extreme decomposition. Likely source: a ruptured trash bag.

The final unwanted water deposit appeared on the afternoon of September 8th. A medium-sized pool of slightly foul aroma was discovered. Within several hours, several pages of colored newsprint (a Los Testigos de Jehovah publication or similar info-advert) were laid over the wet spot.

The next morning, a note had appeared (Exhibit A), translation following:

Uncensored 'Acensor'

Uncensored ‘Acensor

 

NOTICE

We have a filthy neighbor that leaves pee in the elevator.

If anybody knows who it is, put their name down here so that we can all go piss on their door.

YOU MUST REALLY BE A PIG!!


 

Shortly after noon of the same day, I leave the house again. Rereading the note, I see the most recent addition. With a blue pen this time, in skinny text, just barely visible in the corner, someone else (amateur hour handwriting analysis, just an FYI on this Exhibit B) had written: 12*- F

OH. HELL. NO.

That’s us.

En serio?

I pondered the matter, discussed an appropriate response with Amatxu and the Cohabiter, and finally wrote the following on a yellow post it (that never ended up sticking so well to the mirror), translation following:

La persona que nos ha nominado tiene MUCHOS COJONES y nada de evidencia. También queremos una comunidad limpia y civil [sic]. Por favor, sé responsable.

Gracias,

L@s de 12*-F

The person who nominated us [as the culprits] has a LOT OF BALLS and little evidence. We also want a clean and civil community [building]. Please, be responsible.

Thanks,

Us from 12*-F

The next morning, an unknown agent(s) had removed both notes.

 


 

 

Note: My original error, civil should have been cívica.

Also, L@s – This is how feminists (of all genders, whaddya know!?) deal with gendered nouns and articles when their plurals default to the masculine… for example, él and ella, pronouns for one man and one woman, would go to ellos (‘them/they’), taking the masculine form. This default is a type of semantic markedness in linguistics and we use the ‘@’ (arroba!) when we’d really rather it didn’t exist. Like puddles and hostile accusations.